Don't Think, Just Feel
by BabbleBaby
Summary: “I’ll go now, Haley, I know that’s what you want. But I meant what I said. I’m going to fight for us, even if it’s you I have to fight...” Set in episode 5.11 - written for NHlovenest


**Title:** Don't Think, Just Feel

**Author:** Dawn

**Pairing/Characters:** Nathan/Haley

**Rating:** M

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing!

**Word Count:** 4,175

**Spoilers/Warning:** Up to and including episode 5.11

**Summary:** _"I'll go now, Haley, I know that's what you want. But I meant what I said. I'm going to fight for us, even if it's you I have to fight..."_ (Set in episode 5.11)

**Author's Notes:** Okay! This is my second entry at the nhlovestnest community, and is for "Water Babies" challenge. It's on the angsty side and nothing like I ever thought I'd write for the community but I hope you all like it!

It's set in episode 5.11 after Haley has watched Nathan put Jamie to bed. It's quite angsty and not the type of thing I thought I'd ever write for this community but I hope you all like it!

Big thank you to Lori(Lorilozz) and Kris(OTH.daddy'sgurl.06) for giving me the confidence to post! I'd never show anyone a word of smut if it wasn't for them! Special thanks goes to Lori for being my brilliant beta, and coming up with the title!

* * *

He watched her silently as she stared down on the hustle and bustle of the party below, the wind blowing at her skirt, twisting it around her legs. He'd stayed with Jamie until he'd fallen asleep, his heart breaking for the confusion and pain his boy was going through. His son had been through so much since they'd moved to Tree Hill, a stark contrast to the happy life they'd lived while they were away at school. Although he and Haley had been through their fair share of drama in their relationship it had seemed that up until this year that having their son had changed that. Juggling college, basketball, jobs, and a raising a child hadn't been easy but they'd managed well, and Jamie had known nothing but a happy home. Until now.

He'd pretended for so long that he was oblivious to the pain he was causing his family in the months after his accident. He wished that had been the case, maybe things would have turned around quicker if it was. But it became a vicious cycle, he'd drink to ease the pain of his loss, sober up and realise the effect it was having on the ones he loved, and drink to numb the pain that realisation caused. Things had been better since he'd started walking again, he'd faced his pain head on and tried his best to make up for recent times in any way he could. He'd bonded with his son again, and made strides toward doing the same with his wife. Until her. He'd never been interested in her for a second, not even spared a glance in her direction in anything more than a platonic and civil manner. She had been there to take care of his son, to help out his wife, to give them the freedom to work on repairing their family, moving on with their lives. He wasn't oblivious, he'd been aware she'd had a crush of some sort on him but didn't think much of it. He was used to people finding him attractive, despite how cocky that may sound, it was just a fact, had been so as far back as he could remember, but it hadn't mattered since he met Haley. At sixteen he'd been blessed enough to find the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, this beautiful, amazing, smart, talented woman who'd somehow deemed him worthy of being with her. It made him sick that someone had come into their home, the house where they lived with their son, the one they'd bought with so many dreams of a future of perfect holidays, and more children, and tried to take all that away.

"Go away, Nathan." Her voice could barely be heard over the noise of the party, and the wind blowing past them. She'd known he'd been standing there for a while now, had felt his gaze boring into her back. She was so in tune with him, even now when she didn't want to be, that she could tell it was him and no one else who was stood in the doorway of the balcony off their bedroom. She loved Lucas and Lindsay for caring enough to set up this evening. Sacrificing their own plans to make matchmaker for her and husband, but she wished they hadn't. When he wasn't there it was easy to pretend, to focus on the feelings she'd had when she walked into that bathroom and saw them together, saw the woman she'd invited into her home naked and touching the only man she'd ever loved, it was easy to remember the hateful words, to remember the way her heart stopped when they'd found Jamie in the pool, it was easy to forget the love. When she saw him it was harder, she didn't know how to be around him and not want him, to not look into his eyes and not love him, to not see that he loved her back.

"I just wanted to talk." He made a step out onto the balcony and frowned as her body stiffened and her hand gripped tightly onto the rail.

"We have a house full of people, it's your brother's bachelor party, this really isn't a time for us to talk." She refused to look at him, instead focusing on the fun being had below, it wasn't fair, she thought wryly, that were strangers having fun in her home that she'd been yet to experience within its confines herself.

"You're right," He answered reluctantly, nodding despite her back still being toward him, and walked closer toward her. "Jamie's asleep."

She turned to him with sad eyes, a bittersweet smile on her lips. She'd stood in their son's doorway, watching as they cuddled on his bed, and Jamie asked why Daddy couldn't just come home. He'd presumed she wouldn't allow Nathan to and it broke her heart that despite the many ways she'd tried to explain the upheaval in their home recently her baby still saw her as the bad guy in it all. She'd bit on her lip to stop the sobs that welled up inside of her as Nathan defend her to their son, and they'd both voiced their hopes that he would be home soon. Deep down she knew she hoped for that too, but she didn't know if she could let it happen. She didn't believe he'd slept with Carrie, didn't believe he could do that to her, to them, but a large part of her believed that he wanted to. She'd had insecurities at various points in their relationship about not being enough for him, that someday someone would come along, prettier, or sexier, he'd always promised that wouldn't be the case, had seemed completely perplexed by the idea whenever she'd voice her concerns, and usually it would have been enough to sate her, to believe she made him whole the way he did her, but they had so many other problems, so many other unspoken words, doubts in their selves if not each other, that this time it wasn't enough for him to tell her he loved her, she just couldn't pretend that things were okay, not for her, not for him, especially not for Jamie. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me for putting my son to bed, Haley. I've missed him."

She shook her head, guilt churning up inside of her, that was the part she really hated in this separation of sorts, the fact that it stopped them spending as much father son time as they usually did, as she knew they both wanted. "You can see Jamie anytime you want, Nathan, I'd never keep you from him."

"I've missed you too." He said quietly, and she jumped when she felt his breath on her ear, she hadn't realised he'd moved closer. He sucked in a deep breath when she slinked away, moving further across the right, creating distance between them again. "Hales.."

"Don't." She closed her eyes and shook her head breathing in deeply. "Just don't."

"Haley please." He begged, taking a step toward her, his heart breaking when she took a step.

She couldn't deal with him being close to her, the jumble of emotions she'd worked so hard on suppressing swirling up inside of her. She was weak when she was around him, could feel her body humming with need for him even now, despite the hurt, the pain.

"I'm so sorry."

"No." She held up her hand, shaking her head, and letting out a sad, pitiful laugh. "Don't say you're sorry. Don't say anything. I told you this isn't all your fault, it took two people to break this marriage, Nathan."

"We're not broken." He pleaded with her to understand, despite the fact he felt like the wind had been knocked out of her him at her words. He refused to believe this misunderstanding could ruin what they had, refused to believe they weren't strong enough to get past this. "We've been through worse than this Haley."

"Yeah," She cried, "We have. We've been through so much, Nathan, and yet we keep coming back to the same things, and I'm just, I'm too tired to fight this, fight us."

"So don't – fight _for _us, or let me do it. I'll fight for you, for our family forever if I have to Haley. I'm not going anywhere."

"Like you were fighting for us when you were watching her swim naked in our pool." She spat out, and he froze at her words, he hadn't expected the harsh, disgusted tone, as she turned from him once again and stared down at the party. "I've been stood here thinking about what a good view you must have had, how clearly you can see the pool from up here."

"Haley I didn't..." He tried to explain, but she cut him off again, that laugh of cynical disbelief that seemed so unnatural to him coming from her lips again.

"Just tell me, did you enjoy it?"

"What?" He asked shocked stopping still from where he'd been trying to move toward her, to turn her to look at him. "No, Haley, I didn't enjoy it. I made a stupid mistake, I was shocked, I was outraged I..."

"...didn't think to come inside and tell me."

"I didn't think it was worth the hassle."

"Would it have been worth the hassle to tell me she'd got into the shower with you if I hadn't seen you? Would you ever have told me she hit on you? Or kissed you? Would you ever have told me you wanted her?"

"I NEVER wanted her." He shouted, desperate to get the message through.

"Don't lie to me, Nathan, there's been enough of those don't you think."

"I never wanted her Haley."

"Oh, come on, she's an attractive woman, must have been nice to see someone else naked for the first time in six years." She knew she was goading him a little, but the thoughts had been festering in her mind for a week now.

"Don't be fucking ridiculous!" He growled, his fists clenching at his sides as he tried to keep a reign on his anger.

"Don't talk to me like that!"

"Then stop talking to me like I did something wrong Haley – I never slept with her – I never wanted to sleep with her. I wanted you, I want you."

"Stop Ly.." Her words were cut off when the dark clouds that had been hovering above them all night unleashed, hoots, hollers and screams heard from below as the rain doused down on the party goers. Just perfect – just fucking perfect. One more thing for the bitch to ruin for them.

He watched as she looked up, letting the rain hit her face as she suppressed the urge to scream in frustration. Watched as the water dampened her dress and the material tightened around her body. He seized the moment of opportunity and took two strides over toward her, his front flush against her back, pinning her against the rail of balcony, his hands either sides of her stopping any route of escape.

Her eyes snapped opened as she felt him pressed up against her, a gasp of surprise leaving her lips as she felt him hardening against her.

"I never wanted her." He growled into her ear before biting lightly on her earlobe. "I only wanted you, Haley, I only ever want you."

"Let me go, Nathan." Her voice was filled with conviction but her body made no move to get away. Denying her head as it told her to push him away, to make him leave.

"You don't want me to."

"Yes, I do." This time her words didn't sound so sure as he pushed down the strap of her dress and his tongue, her teeth sinking into her plump lip as she tried to suppress the moan she could feel crawling up her throat. She didn't want to him, willed her body not to react even as she felt her nipples tighten and pucker against her bra, no doubt showing through the flimsy soaked material of her dress. They had done this so many times before, more times than either could count, make love in the rain. Cars, balconies, grassy knolls, ever since their first time just the prospect of rain made both their bodies heat, and the scent of it had them preparing for at least a few stolen moments away. "I do."

He smirked as she whimpered and pressed back against him, he knew he had her now, she wouldn't be going anywhere. He brought his hand up and cupped her breast over the material of her dress, a delicious moan escaping her lips as he tugged at it, "You. Haley. Only you."

"And her," she spat out, he'd used this tactic before, so many times, to sex her into giving up an argument, but it wouldn't work, not this time.

"No. Never her." His voice was aggressive, but his touch was gentle, too gentle as he stroked at her thighs under her dress, grinding his erection lightly into her, making her want to beg him for more. "You are the only woman I want, I'll ever want. I love you so much."

His lips were moving along her shoulder and up her neck, sucking on the familiar taste of her perfume, the rain, and just Haley mixed together. "I want you so much."

She gasped as he slipped his hand further up her thighs and across the ever dampening crotch of her panties. "I know you want me too, Hales, I can feel it, feel you."

As if to emphasise his point he cupped her gently and rocked against her, forcing her further against his palm and she whimpered loudly, only heard by them before it was lost in the sound of the rain hitting the ground and the party going on below.

"We can't." She gasped as he slipped a finger inside of her. Closing her eyes as she tried to put together her words. "The party."

"Won't miss us." He promised, adding a second finger and moving them slowly inside her wet heat.

"It's raining, they'll come inside, they'll…" She shivered and moved unconsciously with him, his clothed length now more than obvious against her, the damp heat of their clothes causing a delicious friction between their two moving bodies. "Their coats. Jamie..."

"The door's locked, Jamie's asleep..." His breathing was heavy in her ear and her body once again denied her brain as she slipped her hand behind herself and between them, fumbling with the zipper of his pants. She stilled and he huffed frustrated in her ear. "Jesus Haley just touch me."

"People can see." She murmured, looking down at the people who'd continued to party outside despite the rain. "They'll look up and see..."

"See what? See how unbelievably sexy my wife is, see how much I want her. How desperately we want each other. How fucking ridiculous it is to believe I'd ever want anyone else when this is what I have at home."

His hand that wasn't moving inside of her moved to her breast, grabbing it purposefully in his hand and began to massage it, her nipple hardening more until she thought it was almost painful how much she wanted to feel his hands on her skin without barriers.

"Do you feel it yet?" He asked, as he removed his hand from her underwear, enjoying the frustrated moan that she let out at the loss of contact, before he pulled them down, smirking at the royal blue thong that was now around her ankles. He was right. He'd been playing this game with himself every time he saw her lately, guessing what underwear she'd be wearing, and he'd been right. "How much I want you. How I could never want anyone else when I want you this much."

She kicked the thong away from them, and turned toward him, looking into his darkened blue orbs as they practically seared her with their stare, she reached out, running two fingers down the length of him that was prominent through the material of his pants, enjoying the way he shudder even under the most feather light of her touches. Her brain clouded over with want, all thought, and rationale leaving her as she slowly drew down the zipper and pushed the material down so it pooled somewhere near his knees. Eagerly she dipped her hand below the waist of his boxers, and he hissed as her hand wrapped around him. "I want you, too."

"Baby, I.."

"Shush," she cut him off, with both word and action as she moved her hand over the head of his erection, touching him in the way she knew would cause his words to form into a strangled moan. She didn't want to hear anymore, she just wanted to feel. She moved up onto her toes and licked and sucked roughly at his collarbone, making the decision to mark him as hers, her hand continuing to pump him, her own sex pulsing with need at the same rate.

It had been barely over a week since the last time she'd touched him like this but as soon as her small hand had encased him it had felt like it had been forever, no fantasy, dream, or other, could ever come close to the feel of her hands on him. He cupped her chin in his hand, his thumb grazing her rain slickened cheek bone before he brought it up into her hair, tangling it into her wet waves he drew her head up to his and pressed his lips against hers. She gasped, as if she hadn't been expecting him to kiss her despite the intimate way they'd been touching and he took the opportunity to plunge his tongue inside her mouth, both moaning at the familiar taste as their tongues sought out the other, tangling in the middle and fighting for control as Nathan palmed Haley's ass lifting her up against him, her hand releasing him as he deliciously moved her against him, the only barrier between them the thin wet material of her dress.

"God." She groaned out as felt him slide along her wet lips, both frustrated and turn by the way the material of her dress slid between them. She moved her hands up his back, feeling the muscles beneath his shirt, clawing at the material as he sucked on her lower lip, whimpering as bit at it drawing out a little, and running his tongue over swollen tissue before thrusting his tongue back into her mouth.

He released his hold on her, letting her slip down his body as she reached up and untangled her arms from around him, he smiled at her softly, that special smile reserved only for her, before taking her shoulders and turning her so she was once against facing away from him, directing her to hold onto the railing in front. His strong hands stroked down her side, just barely brushing her breasts as she continued this path to her hips, gently but firmly drawing them a little closer toward him, bunching her dress up in his hands until she was gloriously naked to his eye from the waist down, he leant down and placed a kiss lightly on the back of them, hips lips caressing the number at the base of her spine, mumbling quietly to himself as he felt his temperature sore still at the sight of her. Love and lust causing his chest to pound as he took in every memorised inch.

He took himself in hand and lined himself up against her, dragging his lengths against her slick folds a couple of times, basking in the whimpers and pleas for more that he received.

She struggled against him, trying to get him where she wanted him. Inside of her, loving her. "Nathan.Please!"

"Anything for you," his voice was barely more than a gravelly whisper as he thrust himself home, and she let out a long deep moan at the feel of him stretching her. Her hands gripped tightly onto the rail, and she moved her hips back more trying to balance as the rain pounded down on top of them.

"You were right." He whispered hotly in her ear, as he moved inside of her, his pace was steady and he clamped down heavy on her hips to stop her from changing it. "They could look up. Our friends, our family, they could look up right now and see what we're doing."

He let go of her hips, allowing her to take some role in the speed of their coupling and slipped them inside her dress, his hands running up her bare skin until they cupped her breasts through her bra, cupping them, the squeezed them, and watched as her hands gripped tighter.

"I'd never let it happen. For them to see you like this," He told her, rolling her nipples against the centre of his palm before pinching them both at the same time, a jolt of heat running through her body causing her muscles to flex around him as they both groaned into the rain. "You're mine Haley, just like I'm yours. That's just the way it is. No one else compares."

Her breath was coming out uneven pants as she tried to focus on the feel of him inside of her, not to be seduced and lured in by his words. He felt so good. "So Good."

"I know baby, we're so good."

She didn't want to think about them, if she thought too much she'd push him away. She didn't want to think anymore, she just wanted to feel. "Harder."

He squeezed her breasts one last time before running his hands down her curves and held onto her hips, complying her panted request he moved his movements faster and harder, the familiar sounds of her coming closer to the edge surrounding him, the party, the noise of the rain, everything else fading away to the sounds she was making. He titled her hips a little and closed his eyes as he sank deeper inside of her on the next stroke. Seven years of marriage and nothing could ever compare to the feeling of being inside of her, of knowing he was the only one who had.

Feeling himself about to come he reached around pressed his rain dampened thumb against her clit, before pinching it between his thumb and forefinger lightly, she shuddered around him as he began to rub it in time with his thrusts. "C'mon baby, I can feel you're there."

She murmured something unintelligible and pushed back against him, meeting him thrust for thrust as she near the edged, her breathing was ragged and fast as she felt it nearing, he leant over, his front nearly flat against her back as he kissed her cheek at the side of her mouth, leading trail of kissing up her cheekbone until he reached that spot behind her ear he knew drove her crazy. He latched on and sucked, sending her over the edge, his name falling from her lips as she spasmed around him, the feeling sending him over the edge as he gave a few more jerky thrusts before emptying himself inside of her, the aftershocks of her orgasm milking him dry.

As she came down from her orgasm reality hit her, the disbelief at what she'd just done taking her over as she heard someone pound of the door of her bedroom asking if someone was in there. She pulled away from him, unable to look him in the eye as she pulled down her dress and wiped at her eyes, trying to clear her vision.

His heart broke as she looked away from him as he redressed himself, picking up her panties and balling them in her hand tightly, her cheeks flushed her hair a mess, the rain pouring down on her.

"I'll go now, Haley, I know that's what you want. But I meant what I said. I'm going to fight for us, even if it's you I have to fight. I love you, and I love Jamie, and no ones going to take my family away from me. Not even you. Not when I know you love me too, not when I know it's not what you want."

"Nathan – " She started but he just shook his head, walking towards her and kissing her softly on her forehead.

"I'll call you tomorrow – maybe I can take Jamie to the Rivercourt?"

She nodded silently, letting him slip past her into the bedroom. She heard him unlock the door, and exchange a few words with whoever was outside. Tears fell from her eyes and she was thankful for the rain to mask the tracks. He was right, it wasn't what she wanted, and she did love him, she just didn't know if that was enough anymore.


End file.
